How to Cold Approach a Girl
So you've spotted a girl out in public that you want to get to know, but you don't know how. Maybe you're shy or considered "socially awkward" by most, or maybe just not really into the whole "dating game" and don't really know how to approach someone that you're attracted to. Cold approaching anyone can be a tough process, especially if you're unsure of how to start a conversation. However, it's possible to cold approach a girl and have the interaction go fairly smoothly.
Understand women.While it can be quite tough to understand women (even for women themselves), gaining an understanding of women and how they think is vital to approaching them in any way. Everyone's heard the stories of trying - and failing - to impress a stranger that you want to get to know, and effectively ruin your chances. If you want to be able to effectively cold approach a girl and have the approach go smoothly, it's crucial to understand her beforehand. While there's no way of generalizing women and how they think, there are a few things you can recall to improve your chance of the cold approach going well.
- Many women prefer long-term relationships over hookups, and can tell which one a guy wants. Chances are, if you approach a girl solely to have sex with her, she'll know what you're up to.
- Arrogance and playing yourself up to be "manlier" than you really are will backfire, as many women are interested in people who care about the feelings of others. She'll also discover it eventually if you were faking masculinity.
- Women are often emotion-based, so it's important to be sensitive and put yourself in her shoes. If you say something rude, she won't appreciate it.
- While many women want to find a partner, they often prefer friendships first. It's best to approach a girl with the intent of making a friend, not getting a date.
Tune up your social skills.While it's important to have some social skills before approaching anyone, women in particular have some finer social nuances than others may pick up on. There are exceptions, of course, but many women prefer to be treated respectfully and as though they're being approached for more than just how they look. While it takes a lot more than just knowing how to have a good conversation to tune up your social skills, here are a few things to keep in mind when approaching girls for a conversation.
- Avoid calling women terms like "b*tches", "sl*ts", "wh*res", or any other terms considered derogatory towards women. Avoid swearing, as well. This will turn many girls away from you.
- Don't comment on her body. Unless you're out at a club, you're not going to get a girl to want to go anywhere with you if the first thing you comment on is her breasts or butt - or any other part of her, for that matter, as you may creep her out. Try to avoid commenting on her body, especially with your opening lines.
- There's a fine line between flirting and sexual harassment. However, nobody likes to be sexually harassed. A woman who looks uncomfortable towards your sexual advances or asks you to stop does not want you to keep making those comments, and you may be sexually harassing her.
- Show respect, above all. Treating anyone - male or female - like they're lesser than you will not only make you seem callous and dismissive, but it will also drive most people away from you (girls included) when they see how you treat others.
Be confident.It's very important that you are confident. Confidence is not only attractive, but also gives you courage to approach and carry out a conversation with a girl you just met. Thinking negatively and bashing yourself for mistakes you've made in previous cold approaches doesn't help; just use those experiences to prepare yourself fornow. Show that you're sure of what you're doing, and that you don't doubt yourself. Many people love others who are confident.
Don't worry about what people will think of you.Yes, it's a cliché, but there will always be people who'll dislike you and what you do. A big part of confidence is living the way you want to, despite whether or not it's the way others want you to live. If you stop focusing so much on what other people think of you (including the girls you're approaching!), it'll make you much happier and more confident.
- Be aware that some people may have very valid concerns, so at least take the time to listen to them and consider them. In particular, if female friends or family members are giving you warnings, take note and heed them. Girls often know what other girls like and don't like.
Know that you're taking a chance, but it's not a big one.If you're nervous about cold approaching a girl, you may ruminate about "what-ifs", such as "What if I catch her at a bad moment?" or "What if she's rude and calls me a name?". Remember, though: you can't read her mind. You don't know how she might react when you approach her, so you have to be willing to take risks. Being afraid to approach girls just because of the "what-ifs" may prevent you from approaching girls and seeing if any of those "what-ifs" are actually true!
Keep the benefits in mind.This is a method which is out of the norm and could be scary. That’s one of the reasons the benefits are great. Think about it - it helps you overcome fear, which gives you a deep inner confidence, and therefore sets the stage for you to become a more confident person who can move forward easily. And if it goes well, you get to meet a new person who could potentially become your friend, or even girlfriend!
Be comfortable in your own skin.Yes, you have negative traits - but so does everybody else, and it doesn't do you any good to pick yourself apart or mull over your flaws. So what if you have a stutter, your clothes don't match the trends of what most girls seem to like, or you don't have a fantastic job that makes it possible for you to go out to fancy five-star restaurants with others? A girl who's worth befriending or dating will accept you for who you are. Even if you can't necessarily know what kind of person she is when you cold approach her, know that if she's the right person for you, she'll accept you despite your flaws.
- This doesn't necessarily mean that you shouldn't work on things thatarein your control. Your grooming habits, for example, are within your control, and are important to control; a girl won't be very inclined to talk to you if you haven't showered or worn deodorant in three days and your shirt is covered in old pizza grease stains.
Understand that rejection can and will happen.While not everyone will reject you, and rejection doesn't define your worth, it's very possible that at some point, a girl will reject you. When this happens, take it in stride. Apologize if she seems offended or creeped out, and take some time away to let the awkwardness cease. Rejection happens; what's important is how you handle it, and that you don't let it discourage you from ever asking a girl out again.
- There are many reasons a girl may reject you. She may not be comfortable with talking to someone she doesn't know, she might already have plans, she may already have a partner, she may not be attracted to you, she may be worried you're only interested in her for her body, and many more reasons. Just as you wouldn't want to date every single girl you'd come across, she doesn't want to date every single person she comes across, either.
- You do not have the right to force anyone to do anything they do not want to do.Regardless of what the girl doesn't want to do, if she says no, she meansno. You do not want to be "one of those people" who takes the phrase "bad with rejection" to serious extremes. Respect a "no", apologize, and drop the subject.
Look your best.You don't need to head out in a suit and tie in order to meet women, but it's important to at least look presentable before you head out. Shower if you haven't already, apply deodorant, wear clean clothes that fit you, and brush your teeth. Comb your hair if it's long, too, and make sure your facial hair is in check. Taking care of yourself is one of the most important things when trying to approach women, since your appearance contributes to the first impression they get.
Put yourself out there.You can't cold approach a girl if you never leave your home. Head out in public, and go to places where you're likely to find girls that are happy to chat with you. Some good places to go are:
- Shopping malls. Lots of people in malls are in a fun mood.
- Gyms. Plenty of women go to gyms for their workouts.
- Concerts. This is a great place to meet girls with common interests, if you really like the band or artist.
- Meetup groups. You can find plenty of local meetup groups online. These groups organize social events on a regular basis, and you can find something that you're interested in. Even if you don't meet girls, you're more likely to make friends this way.
- Libraries. Although these places are usually quiet, if you're careful, you can approach bookworm girls and have a decent conversation.
Just go.When you see a girl you want to talk to, approach her confidently without wasting time. Now that you're out and can meet girls, don't waste time overthinking or ruminating. Don't make excuses. Delaying it will only make it worse, and there is a good possibility that you may end up getting mad at yourself, and most likely giving up. Getting mad at yourself is just more negativity on top of negativity, so it's important that you reduce lag-time between approaches. Just go!
- Of course, if there's a genuine reason for you not to approach her (for example, she's clearly focused on something else, or she's working a job), listen to your gut instinct. Most people don't like being broken out of their focus, and you don't want to distract her from her work.
Find a way to strike up a conversation.It can be hard to begin a conversation when you have nothing to talk about, but it's not impossible. When coming up with a conversation starter, try to come up with something that will hook you both into the conversation and keep it going. A great conversation-starter can be key to making a new friend, or getting a girlfriend.
- You can always go with a question that anyone would ask, such as, "Hi, do you know if there's a coffee shop around here?", but the downside to this is that you may not have much to talk about with that kind of opening.
- Common ground is a good starting point. For example, if you're at a concert, a quiet moment would be a good time to ask, "How'd you discover this band?"
- Avoid starting off a conversation by commenting on her appearance - whether it's about certain parts of her, or just telling her that she looks pretty. This can cause awkwardness and make the whole thing fall flat. However, if she's wearing something that's a reference to something you know about, you can say something about that, such as, "Nice shirt! You watch that TV show, too?".
- Steer clear of questions that can be answered with a "yes" or "no" response, since it's hard to continue a conversation with most of those.
Have good body language.How you present yourself is very important when it comes to having a good conversation. Having open body language is crucial, as you don't want to seem nervous or cranky when you're approaching a girl, and good body language can make the conversation go as well as possible. Try to do the following to show the girl you're interested:
- Maintain eye contact. Eye contact shows a girl that you're interested in what she has to say. Don't stare her down, though, or she'll become uncomfortable.
- Smile. Smiling can portray a friendliness that makes her more willing to talk to you. Make sure it's a natural smile, though, or else she'll become creeped out.
- Be a good listener. Truly listen when she is talking; don't think about the next thing you're going to say. If you zone out, you only prove to her that you don't think whatever she's talking about is something you're going to listen to.
- Don't cross your arms or legs or put anything in front of you, as this is a sign of being disinterested and closed off; it's often seen as "barricading" yourself.
Gauge her interest.You don't want to get so wrapped up in what you're saying that you completely ignore whether she actually wants to hear what you have to say. Her body language is a prime indicator of interest, but that's not all you can use to judge how interested she is. Things like openness about herself, whether she focuses all her attention on the conversation, and how much she's talking can be indicators of how interested she is. A conversation isn't a solo act - she has to be contributing, too!
- Open body language, a genuine smile, laughter, and carrying on the conversation without having to be prompted are signs that she's fairly comfortable.
- If she's smiling uncomfortably, not making eye contact, facing her body away from you, or giving monotone one-word answers, she's most likely not interested. Wrap up the conversation, thank her for her time, and move on.
Carry on the conversation.She may be someone you don't know, but she very likely hangs out with her friends, has hobbies, works, studies, has a life story, family, music, movies, has other interests, and so forth. These things should be enough to make you feel curious about her. Finding out more about her can be a great way of getting to know her and keeping the conversation going simultaneously. Getting her to talk about herself is key to finding out more about her - and thus, finding new avenues of conversation.
- Learn about her interests. Asking her what she likes to do for fun is a good start. If you saw her doing something that could be seen as a hobby (e.g. you met her at the gym, or saw her painting something), it's also great to ask her if she likes to perform that activity (e.g. "Do you like painting?" or "Do you come to the gym often?").
- She may ask you about yourself. Be prepared for this; have an interesting anecdote about yourself. Don't lie; she'll find out eventually, and no good relationship is built on a lie.
- Obviously, use common sense; avoid using profanity before she does. Andnevermake sexual comments about her or other girls!
Ask her on an "instant date" or make plans for the future.If the conversation is going well and you're both having fun, then ask her out for a coffee or beverage. It doesn't have to be a big proposal; a simple "Have you got anything to do after this? I was wondering if you wanted to go for a coffee afterwards" can work magic.
- If she says that she's busy immediately afterwards, try to arrange a time when you can see each other again.
- Noncommittal answers or not making concrete plans to meet you, as well as constantly sidestepping making plans (e.g. she always has "something to do" on every suggested date and time) is a sign that she's not interested in seeing you again, and that you shouldn't press the matter any further.
Get her phone number.If the conversation is going well, ask for her phone number and call her later. For example: "You seem like someone I would like to get to know better. How about we exchange numbers and talk sometime later?". Don't necessarily wait for the end of your conversation to ask her for the phone number. Do it when you feel you have reached a very powerful connection with her during the conversation and it just feels the right moment to do so. It's called window of opportunity. Use it wisely.
- Call or text her within the next day or two of meeting her. This is very important, as the more you delay contacting her, the more likely she's going to forget who you are and lessen your chances of seeing her again. Calling her instead of texting may be more effective, since it not only reflects someone who is confident, but it's more personal than texting, and also provides an opportunity where you both can start a conversation from where you left off.
Wrap up the conversation well.Even if the approach has gone wonderfully and you both feel like you could spend the entire day talking to each other, the conversation does have to end at some point, and it's important to leave her wanting more. When it's time to go, tell her that you've enjoyed talking with her - and if the conversation went well, ask her for her phone number or make plans for meeting again. Cold approaching is all about making a good impression, and it's important to leave her with an impression that makes her want to see you again!
Before you cold approach a girl, keep in mind that even though rejection can sting, not every girl you approach will want to talk to you. To improve your chances, avoid starting a conversation with derogatory language or by complimenting her body. Instead, opt for simple conversation starters like "Hi, I'm Joe," or "I like your shirt. Have you ever seen that band in concert?" Smile, listen, and be polite to keep the conversation going. If it seems like she is enjoying herself, invite her out for coffee or a drink.
- Don’t be needy; there is no way it’s going to help you get a future meeting or date. It will do the opposite, and may blow your chances since many girls find neediness unattractive.
- Say anything which you find genuinely funny that you think she'd enjoy, too.
- Detach yourself from the outcome completely. The outcome is not in your hand; detach yourself from it and focus on what you have control over, like confidence, conversation topics, your body language, and so forth.
- Dress properly. The way you look is very important when it comes to attracting girls. Always dress as if you are going out to meet that "one girl".
- Not all people are comfortable being cold-approached. If the girl tells you to leave her alone, then leave her alone. She's uncomfortable, and you don't want to harass her.
- If done in certain contexts, some cold-approaching practices can be considered street harassment or catcalling, which may be criminal offenses depending on your jurisdiction.
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